Emotional Much

Let's go with the semi-dark, blue-ish tint today as to go with emotions.  Today has been difficult.. almost all aspects of it.  I woke up to a wildly loud alarm (which I even checked last night to make sure it was on in the first place as well as make sure it wouldn't be incredibly, ear-splittingly, obnoxiously loud..) and then things got better, a nice shower, a good breakfast of cinnamon life cereal, and not a half-way decent ride to the school. But when I got to school I just lost it completely with the fake smile and life hit me in the face like a buttered frying pan (painful and leaves something difficult to get off without ruining something else. Aka the butter: it's oily and leaves stains everywhere it lands). I felt like a dead weight and utterly void of life unless it was sadness or pain.  It made me feel like Bella from New Moon within the first two-thirds of the novel. It was not easy. It seriously almost took all of my willpower to go into my math class.  It didn't help that she called on me too.. (I was very thankful that she accepted my pass due to my "being brain-dead"). But still, it was an embarrassing thing to ask for a pass on the question. It's a mortifying thing for me to get something wrong and makes me feel like I'm retarded. Literally. But I went in after class got out and spoke to my math instructor for a good ten minutes or so and got some things solved. I have high test anxiety and there are a few classes and things I can do to help me with that all. My math instructor also has been noticing that there's quite a bit going on in my life right now and that the best thing to do is try my hardest, study, soak as much information as I can with what she's giving me and then if I pass, wonderful, if not, I study over summer and take it again with her in the fall. (It made me feel much better to know that she really does care about how I am doing and is doing all that she can do or think of in order to help me in any way she can. She told me that she knows I'm a good student and that I try my damnedest to pass with flying colors so that helped me feel a bit brighter..). So I met with my math instructor, got things out of the way and some questions answered, was still on the verge of tears until about half an hour ago when I was asked for advice on a twenty year old male having an open relationship with a thirty year old woman. It always makes me feel trustworthy, better and respected when I'm asked for my point of view. I got something in my stomach and laughed a little with light conversation with my boyfriend-unit and one of his music buddies which was a nice switch up to my bleak day, and now it's 11:44 in the morning and I have about 15 minutes until band starts. I really hope Joe (my instructor) is in today because the last week of school before spring break he didn't show up at all. (Maybe because he got our children's concert out of the way and are dealing with new music all together or maybe because he really was sick like he claimed). Anywho, Dad came home from Taiwan safely last Friday, we spent Saturday hanging out at home, cleaning and putzing around and on Sunday we spent the majority of the day in Berkley. We slept in until around 11:30 in the morning (which was amazing and much needed), went over to Berkley and ate our pseudo-breakfast at Brennan's. Then we went out to a very long dock and walked to the end and back. Afterwards we went to an Asian market and got some yummy treats as well as food which was relaxing in an odd kind of way. Monday went by without hesitation and now I'm here sitting in the music library waiting another couple of minutes before band starts and we work on Spanish tunes for our "Cinco de Mayo" concert in two months. Fun stuff. I might as well go and sit in band waiting for it all to start just so I can get a comfortable seat and nicer stand for my music. So, peace, hopefully love and all that jazz...